Butterflies: Learning to Embrace Anxiety

It’s mid-September and we are settling into the school year over here after some big transitions to Kindergarten and middle school. It is a time of growth and change, celebration and sorrow all at once. I’m not gonna lie, I might have walked around with a little skip in my step singing George Michael’s song, “Freedom” all day that first week. The ability to actually finish cleaning something before it is destroyed again is a glorious thing! (At least for a couple hours) But then, out of nowhere, in the midst of the peace and quiet, I’ll have a flashback to the days of chaos and cuddles and giggles when the kids were home all day and I’ll melt into a pile of tears. (Even though we’ll still be back at it in just a few hours).

Back in the toddler years, our little world was SO small and our lives so entirely enmeshed it could be stifling. Now, I find myself missing that little cacoon-like world that consisted primarily of our living room and kitchen area, filled with piles of unfolded laundry and toys scattered everywhere, where we spent most of our days together. What I’m trying to say is that this is a time of transition and big emotions for parents and kids alike.

I’ve noticed in recent years, the term “anxiety” is popping up more and more in casual conversation and pop culture, but almost always as a negative. “Ugh! That gives me anxiety just thinking about it!” Or “I have anxiety”, or “She’s such an anxious kid.” Yes, there are people who suffer from anxiety disorders that cause distress and significantly impact their ability to function in life, but we ALL have anxiety and that can actually be a good thing! Anxiety has persisted as humans evolved because it protects us. It tells us when something is a big deal and requires our full attention. To a certain extent, anxiety actually increases motivation and productivity. However, left unchecked, anxiety levels can rise to the point where they can be unhealthy, uncomfortable, and even debilitating.

Though it seems counterintuitive, embracing anxiety can be an incredibly powerful way of managing the symptoms. This is part of being mindful. Recognize the signs, remember that feelings often come in waves (that will recede), and roll with it.

How do we teach children this skill? First of all, we can do our best to provide supported exposure to anxiety triggers. As parents, we are often tempted to either empathize with our child and protect them from anxiety (“Its OK honey, you don’t have to do that. Let’s go home.”) OR we deny their emotions and push them into the activity (“You’re FINE! There’s nothing scary about this. Get in there!”) The best approach lies somewhere in the middle. We can empathize, help them identify their own emotions, and prepare them to work through those emotions, while still conveying the message that they are safe and capable of handling this. (This is assuming the expectation is developmentally appropriate and we are confident they will be safe and emotionally secure in this situation. This is a topic for a whole other post though!) This might not always mean full exposure. It can be baby steps. For example, watching a swim lesson from the side of the pool for the first week or two if the child is panicked about participating is still exposing them, just in small steps. By taking this approach, we honor their attempts at communicating their feelings while also conveying our confidence in their abilities to manage those emotions and get through hard stuff.

When I’m talking with kids about anxious feelings, especially related to new activities and starting school, we talk about “butterflies in our tummy.” I love to use the Justin Robert’s Song, “Giant Sized Butterflies” to support this idea. It’s like a therapy session in a song. “It’s my first day…and my butterflies are giant sized…butterflies are meant to fly….they were born to be your guide” Thinking of anxiety as helpful butterflies instead of something negative can reframe the entire experience for kids.

Before my littlest started Kindergarten, we listened to the Justin Roberts song. We talked about how butterflies feel, made butterfly crafts, and flew around pretending to be butterflies. We were prepared for the feelings that may come, we had the words to define them, and we practiced how to cope with them. As we walked up to school that first day, my little one held my hand and looked up at me with wide, nervous eyes and said, “Mom, I feel them. I feel the butterflies!” “I know! Me too!” I replied. “This is big (with a smile). This is something new. Let’s take a deep breath. It’s going to be awesome!” And off she went, and off I went. New beginnings for us both. We’ll have smooth days and we’ll have challenging days as we navigate the anxiety that comes with transition, but in the end, we will both grow and change.